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Big News and the Surprise Twist Ending

1/26/2012

30 Comments

 
I think one of the toughest things about moving to another country, (particularly a country like France) is managing the expectations of those you’ve left behind.  What with the images of movies like Eat Pray Love and Under the Tuscan Sun, we’ve all - particularly women - been trained to imagine the dreamlike fantasy of leaving it all behind, of whisking ourselves away to a brand new life where fancy cheese, handmade pasta and gorgeous foreign men are all easily within reach.  We want to believe that this imaginary life is better – we’ll get to stop exercising because we’re walking through beautiful ancient streets!  We’ll be surrounded by charming foreigners with the utmost of immediacy!  We’ll live in a beautiful old apartment with moldings and giant windows and great light! 

We want so desperately to believe this fantasy.  But, what we really know, what we want to ignore is that, of course, the grass is always greener on the other side. 

Maybe this is because very few of us will ever have the opportunity to make this magical, almost mystical pilgrimage.  It’s easier to imagine it than try to turn it into reality.  Maybe it’s more fun that way.

I don’t know that I really believed the cliché to its full extent, but I have to say that the reality has rounded out somewhere much below expectations.  Sure a block of really delicious brie is shockingly, dangerously cheap here and the people really do walk around with baguettes (sorry, no berets) - but there are other aspects to life abroad that make it painfully hard.

Often people are pretty shocked when you start going into details.  It’s the kind of things that they never think of in their day to day lives: applying for insurance, opening bank accounts, getting Internet installed, having your toilet get plugged unexpectedly (and on a Sunday, merde…literally).  These are all things that, no matter where you live, you have to deal with. 

When you live in a foreign country, in a foreign language, with foreign customs, these things all suddenly become a lot more difficult.

I have to say that all these things, as annoying, frustrating and downright irritating as they have been are not the reason or cause of my big news.  They add a little bit to it, but they’re not the main reason. 

So here’s the big news:  I’m leaving France.  Early. 

Yes - I gave notice to my job, have told my work colleagues and have booked my flight back to California.  It’s true.  A week from today, I’ll be home.

There are a couple of reasons for leaving, but the really big one is this:  it’s hasn’t been a good use of my time.  I came to France for a lot of reasons, but in the end, coming here has left me often sitting in my apartment, surfing the web and waiting for the next Friday to see the handful of friends I’ve made here.  Many of my classes were canceled last minute; some of my hours were never scheduled at all.  My work colleagues all but ignored my existence (and The Roomie’s as well) except for in class.  I can now confidently say that I know what it feels like to walk into a room and feel invisible. 

While I suppose that being ignored isn’t really the worse thing (although I was also frequently made fun of for speaking English with The Roomie by a few of the teachers), feeling like you’re sitting your life away is pretty high up there on the list. 

In less than two weeks it will be my birthday.  I will now officially be on the latter half of my twenties.  While I would never seriously suggest that this makes me old, I find myself suddenly entering into the mental realm of “where I imagined I’d be.”

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you used to calculate what year it would be when you graduated high school? Or what year you were going to turn 18 or finish college?  Do you remember making choices about where you wanted to be or where you thought you’d be at any given age?

Sitting in a room, waiting for the rain to pass, wasn’t exactly how I pictured my mid-twenties when I was a kid.

So I changed it.  I decided, after a lot of thought, some talking with my parents, some freak out feelings (I’m not normally one to rock the boat this way) - that I WOULD NOT ACCEPT THIS AS MY LIFE.  Not one more second.  No longer.  I was not bound to this reality.  I am not bound to this reality.  I could be in control of what was happening to me.  This tiny, little, miniscule life that I was suddenly leading would not be mine. 

The kid I was, the one who was busy picturing her future, never, ever wanted a little life.  She would have been really mad at big, grown up me if she knew I’d stayed in such a small life after I’d recognized it for what it was.  She’d tell me so, too because little me was bold and she told the truth.

So there you have it.  The dream is over.  At least it appears that way doesn’t it?  But here’s the secret.  The surprise twist at the end of the story, if you will. 

The dream was never the dream at all. 

I though it was.  I thought coming here to live in a foreign country was everything I wanted. I thought it would make me happy.

I firmly believe that no matter where you go, you take your baggage with you.  Wherever you go, there you are.  But one of the great things about living abroad, or even extensive travel, is that it gives you a distance on your life.  You can see it more fully.  So maybe this experience didn’t go the way I had thought or hoped it would, but I read a quote just recently that I think sums it up, “The bad things in life open your eyes to the good thing you weren’t paying attention to before.” 

And there it is.  I was living the dream all along.  All I needed was the distance from my life to see it as it really was, to see all that it could offer me. 

And now I can recognize after getting the distance, standing back from the Monet, what a lucky, beautiful life it is, indeed.  A dream, really.
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30 Comments
MaggieMoo
1/26/2012 06:55:09 am

You are much braver than I. I cannot live my life with regrets...but I wish I had the strength and courage to leave Germany once I knew it wasn't right. I can't wait to see you here in California!!! CA misses you =))

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Katie link
1/26/2012 07:12:51 am

Maggiemoo! I don't think I could have made this decision without my parent's support. I also think that being just a few years older made a huge difference for me... I think if I'd been 22 or 23, I might have been more willing to stick it out...suffer silently, if you will. But now I'm more impatient with things that are not a good use of my time. I'm looking forward to coming home and we should definitely get together! xoxo

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Elizabeth Aguayo
1/26/2012 06:59:35 am

BraVo for u girl! Seems we are going thru the same ordeal of the mid 20's life crisis as I am! You are a strong and powerful woman to recognize what doesn't make you happy and to actually do something about it! Congratulations for taking this big plunge back to ur California life! Cheers for a great new chapter you are starting!

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Katie link
1/26/2012 07:14:27 am

Thank you, Elizabeth! Life is certainly chock full of lessons, isn't it? Hope you're learning a lot about yourself, too!

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Karla
1/26/2012 10:59:49 am

I am one of those females you speak of, wanting France to be as magical as I dream it to be. I use to feel proud of my french heritage, the more I learn the less proud of France I find myself. I was truly jealous of your bold move to France. Oh how I wished I had not rushed my 20's. Been stronger in my belief in myself. So much time wasted, waiting for the next thing and not engaging in what was around me. Admittedly I still struggle with not wanting to waste a minute now but I have a much fuller life.
I want you to know I am still envious of you - more so. You are not wasting your 20's, you believe in yourself enough to make a change! Say it out loud and act on it. That is a rare quality and it will serve you well, wherever you find yourself.
We missed you! Welcome home.

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:39:13 pm

Karla, not a minute is ever wasted if you learn something from it. Trust me, there are things I wish I'd done differently, too! The moment is always now, so we keep on doing what we need to do. And don't worry, even though there have been some jerks, I have met a fair number of really great French people, too!

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Samantha Howard
1/26/2012 01:26:51 pm

Katie... you brought tears to my eyes. The knowledge you possess in your 20's is nothing short of amazing.

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:16:05 pm

Thank you, Samantha...just trying to keep learning. :)

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Karen V. link
1/26/2012 01:30:45 pm

Although I know you only through the blog, I had this feeling with your beautiful lemon tree post. This is just one beautiful chapter of you. You have talent for writing, photographing, cooking, language, art... I await the next chapters from such a brave & smart person. I hope you continue the next chapter wherever it may take you online with all of us! :)

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:17:28 pm

Thank you, Karen. I guess we'll all see what "the next thing" is. I plan on continuing the blog, of course!

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R. Riley
1/26/2012 01:38:57 pm

I definitely think you are being bold and living large. There is nothing for the little girl to be upset at. You are one that can say, you followed a dream and lived it! It was very bold to move across countries, by yourself, start something new to live, love (or not) and learn from. Not many people can say they lived what you did! This just means there is something bigger and better in store for you. How wonderful you are coming back home to find it!

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:19:27 pm

I think you are right! No regrets, only choices and lessons. No "what ifs" here!

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Christopher Rose
1/26/2012 11:04:28 pm

Superbly written and thoughtful. Way to take charge of your destiny!

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:20:21 pm

ho ho ho. thanks little boy. see you soon, we can eat some pho.

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Wendy
1/26/2012 11:52:09 pm

Katie, you brought tears to my eyes as well. But you are very wise and seem to know what you want and what will make you happier.

Be proud of your decision, it is the right one

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:21:06 pm

Thank you, Wendy!

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Slenderella Newman
1/27/2012 01:42:58 am

Good for you! You're experience reminded me of my decision about a lifestyle change. Especially the not one more minute part. Recognizing that when you're done, you are done is that necessary grownup skill that keeps you from getting burnt. Something else I learned as an Air Force brat is that when you're a tourist, you're a guest. But when you take up residence, even temporarily, that's a whole other critter. This is when I discovered that the U.S. is truly unique in that if you come here, you can "become" an American -- one of us. But, no matter how long you might live in France, you will never "become" French or Japanese in Japan, etc. You will always be the other and everyone needs to feel as if they belong .....

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:27:41 pm

The question of "foreigness" is an interesting one. My friend, emiglia (www.tomatokumato.com), writes about this sometimes. She has chosen to live in France permanently (coming up on five years now!) and loves it. I do think Americans are far more open to welcoming foreigners, particularly in our neck of the woods. And of course, it depends on the situation - I felt quite welcome when I lived in the South of France.

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Stephanie
1/27/2012 01:53:29 am

Katie,
Your story rings true to my own, although I was not in a foreign country. I chose to go to college in another state and decided I wanted to live there after I graduated. I stayed for several years, but in the end I was missing my family and opportunities right here. I was lonely and was struggling to make ends meet. I remember being in my mid twenties, and I remember it being the toughest decision I ever had to make. But in the end... I came "home" with the support of my parents as well. I ended up meeting the love of my life, now my husband, and we have 3 beautiful children. In the end, I believe in fate and following your heart, even if it is breaking.

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:29:37 pm

Great story, Stephanie! I think making up our minds to live a certain way, especially when we're in our 20s, is a hard transition, but so worth it!

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Kathi
1/27/2012 02:10:27 am

As you continue on your journey, your truth and spirit for embracing each day will continue to feed your soul with new discoveries. There are lessons to experience and you are always in the midst of one. Treasure the journey.

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:30:41 pm

Kathi, you are so wise. I feel so lucky to have gotten to know you. Thank you.

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Stacy link
1/27/2012 03:43:17 am

I'm so proud of you, Katie! You never could have known that France wasn't your dream unless you pursued it. And I can tell you, there's nothing really like coming home after reality about you "dream" location has sunk in.

Safe travels, friend!

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:33:32 pm

Thanks, Stacy! I've loved reading about your time in Seattle, too and I am glad that you've made the big move back to CA. You have to do what's right for you, and sometimes that's realizing that what you thought you wanted wasn't it at all. Hope to see both you and Kim sometime soon. :)

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Suellen
1/27/2012 04:30:06 am

Welcome home! Come back and get a job writing for a newspaper or a magazine! And before long you'll be writing the "Great American Novel"!! I'm sure of it! Your'e a born writer, you should pursue it -------- if you want to of course!! Always love reading your blog!
A bientot, Suellen

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Teresa
1/27/2012 10:56:11 am

We are as one Suellen.

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Katie link
1/27/2012 05:35:52 pm

Thanks, Suellen. We'll see what the next thing ends up being! Of course, I plan on continuing writing. :)

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Carla Neuman (Teresa's Tribe)
1/29/2012 12:03:31 am

Wow, so wise for your years! Your writing is beautiful! I have read most of your post and they are awesome. All I can say is what a journey you have had so far.......Welcome home.

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Katie link
1/29/2012 02:21:27 am

Thank you, Carla!

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Kelli H link
2/2/2012 06:00:26 am

Great post, Katie! You write so beautifully!

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    Katie

    Baker. Traveler. Writer.

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